I apologise for how quiet I have been. A lot has been going on in my personal life, and it’s been very difficult. I am currently in hospital, detained against my will, recieving treatment I feel is being immorally given, without consideration of my autism and complex mental health issues, and a wider view of my overall care, long term recovery, and whole being. Over the last few days in particular I have had to deal with my world turning upside down: I no longer am able to engage in any of my OCD rituals that calm me down, nor follow routines – some of which have been part of me since I was young – that calm the chaos of life. I find myself constantly wanting to scream and cry and not exist and combust and wither. I feel nothing and everything.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to get all wordy. That’s not what this is about. What I do mean to write about is autism and non verbal episodes, as it’s something I’m currently experiencing, and I’ve found that there are very few resources out there already about it, particularly from a non-research perspective. Anyway, so what are non verbal episodes?

Being non verbal really just means to not be able to communicate verbally, i.e. speak. Some people with autism are non verbal, and may rely on other communication methods – BSL, writing things down, or using a text to speech device – to ‘talk’ to others. There are numerous resources (although I’d still argue not enough!), if you Google, on nonverbal autism, but there are very few discussing the nonverbal episodes that generally verbal individuals may experience.

Sometimes occuring alongside burnout or as part of a shutdown, nonverbal episodes are when an individual, as a reaction to stress, sensory overload, pressure, or anxiety, finds themselves unable to speak. This is due to a breakdown in ability to form spoken words and speech from thoughts.
It’s a difficult thing to describe, but for me it feels like my mouth is glued shut and like words just won’t come. Sometimes the words are in my head and I want to speak but I just can’t seem to get my tongue to move other than to make sounds, and it’s exasperating, but other times when I’m very distressed I can’t even seem to get the words to form within my head, and I can’t even ‘think words’. Nonverbal episodes are not common for me, but have occured in the past, and currently it’s something I’m working through. I find myself able to speak when feeling calm – when I am alone, or with someone I am close to. However, at the moment, that seems to only be one or two people.

Other descriptions from people I know about how it feels:

• ‘Like I’m caught up in a whirlwind of my own thoughts. Like they’re chasing each other around in my head. I can’t really seem to focus on any one of them long enough to attach the meanings to words. I continually slip from one line of thinking to the next so quickly that I can’t hold on to any meaning or understanding’
• ‘The racing thoughts give way to not being able to speak at all. Sometimes it’s like my mouth and tongue are full of lead. Everything is in slow motion.’
• ‘What goes on in my head is a flurry of words. Every sentence I could say to express myself swims at once and I am essentially paralyzed by choice, knowing what to say but unable to start the process of speech. It’s as if my speech center of my brain just does not work properly.’

Sources used:
https://opendoorstherapy.com/autistic-burnout-autism-therapy/#:~:text=Furthermore%2C%20autistic%20meltdowns%20happen%20to,nonverbal%2C%20withdrawn%2C%20or%20emotionless.
https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autistic-burnout-explained/
https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-autistic-burnout/